Checking the safety

WARNING:  This is going out without being proof read or even spell-checked.  \

Been writing since 7:00 a.m. & am ready for breakfast!

For 28+ years, I've claimed that God realized an error had been made when John & I first set eyes on each other on 11/11/88.  It was too soon for us to connect - there was something that I had to do before I could be whole enough to fall in love with my Keet.  So, we were pulled way back from each other & didn't tag up again until Feb 3, 1989.

For as far back as I can recall - for certain sure as far back as 4th Grade - it always bothered me that consequences never followed actions in our family, at least not with Mom.  (I can recall two occasions with Dad where my actions elicited very definite & reasonable consequences.)  No matter what one of the kids did or didn't do, it was never followed by a corresponding consequences.

In December 1988, I was aware of having met someone who seemed special, but I didn't know his name or anything about him except he rode to hounds, so I thought he hung around with the horse & hound set, veddy posh.  (Strangely enough, HE that that I was from Bryn Mawr & had much the same, "not my crowd" response.)  Little did either of us KNOW.

In early December '88, a startling opportunity came up to attach a natural consequence to someone's action.  A well-meant action revealed a unknown, unexpected issue.  I had the choice of recognizing it & acting OR ignoring it & letting things glide as they were.  I chose to deal with it openly, welcoming input.  There was a natural consequence that was reasonable, balanced & honored everyone's stated reality.  Although not welcome by the other person, for whom it caused some unexpected inconvenience, it turned out to be a major life event for me - for the first in forever, I'd stood on my own two feet, recognized something she held to be true had unintended consequences & stuck to my guns.  Two months later, when John & I once again crossed paths, I was ready.

Two days ago, my brother totally rattled me by showing up at Bryn Athyn Bounty Farm Market - John & I had no idea they were even in BA.  

Although Mike & Kerry might have thought I'd be over-the-moon with joy at bumping into them at Bounty on Saturday, three days after they arrived in BA, the opposite was true. Thank heavens, I had a moment to observe, before Mike turned around & I saw who it was, "That looks like the back of Mike's head."   

Mike seemed happy to have surprised us but didn't have any special response to ME - could have been Pete Boericke or Ned Rogers, both friends & classmates. 

It was the first time we've seen each other in five years, the first time since Mim died & there was NO physical contact between either of us.  No hug, no kiss.  

That's just weird.  

I guess my distress showed, since Erik Sandstrom assured us, "You were on their radar, tagged for a visit,"- -  he totally did not get the point that they had kept themselves totally off ours.  

Hul-lo ~ they'd been in town since Wednesday, showed up at Bounty expecting to see us, leaving connecting to chance?  

What would they have done if we hadn't?  Called up & said, "Hi!  Can we get together on Monday for breakfast before we head home later in the week?"  

Maybe they thought that would be a super cool surprise - it would not have been.  

Kerry is my least safe person on the planet, with Mike a distant second.  To have them pop up in one of my special places, with people around waiting for the big moment when we first spotted them  - did not go well.  

How could I not say yes to the invitation to breakfast today, with people looking on.  Did Mike notice that I was hyperventilating, was quaking?  Vented to a vendor friend & beat a swift retreat, before even getting the veggies we'd come for;  John whisk me down to Be Well for a big bear hug from a loving faux nephew.  

I absolutely get that Mike & Kerry could have thought it would be a swell moment of all of us.  Am sure they meant well, but it went hideously wrong.  

Realized within the hour there was no way I'd do breakfast with them today, sent the following to Kerry, left a vm at Sandstrom's for her to check FB:

John & I thank you & Mike for the invitation to breakfast tomorrow, Monday Sept 25. On further reflection, we are declining. I have learned to avoid situations where either I don't feel emotionally safe or suspect that I might make another person feel unsafe. I admire you greatly but I am not at ease with you. We wish you both well & hope that you do the same with us, but past history shows that you & I do not do well together. Have a wonderful remainder of your stay & save journey home.

Seems Kerry never read that.  Instead, Mike called to say they'd meet us at Daddypop's instead of picking us up.  That gave me the opportunity to personally decline, citing the lack of safety all around - and noting how weird it felt that they were in town three days before we saw them.

It is no secret that I am not their cup of tea.  Small wonder.  Our communication styles are radically different.  Now that we are in our 60s & 70s, we should be able to respect the relationship we have, rather than an airy fairy one based on being sibs.  Mike & I share the same genes, that's it.  

As I told Mike on the phone & wrote to Kerry, we wish them well, but do not do well with them. Think Altoids & Coca Cola.

Kerry had safety issues with going way back.  As she mentioned to Mom in 1973:

"There are few people in Bryn Athyn we didn't enjoy.  Mr. -------'s ears should be the only ones ringing as I type this.  Honesty makes me add Elsa (me-Deev) also, as she has been so rude to me at times I could hardly bear being in the same room with her.  By the way, Mum & Dad, I leave it entirely up to you to mention what I just said to Elsa or not.  I must admit I never said anything to her personally.  At times, I thought perhaps it was a disservice that we ever did, but I hoped she would grow up in time.  She can't hurt me here."

~  Strange but true - when I'd ask Mom over the years, as I did right up to the end, "WHY do my sibs dislike me so much?" Mom ALWAYS tsk-tsked me with, "Don't be silly - they love you."  She KNEW.  All Mom had to say was, "Darned if I know," rather than putting me in the wrong when she she knew first-hand my reading was spot-on correct!   ~

Twenty-six years later, Mom sent a note to all of us, including Kerry & John.  As part of her personal work getting a better bead on WHO she was rather than reflecting back what we wanted from her, she shared that she was working to improve her trust issues with us:

Dear Peter, Mike & Kerry, Mim, Elsa & John -

I realize that I have always agreed with each of my children because I have been afraid not to agree with them, you.

With the exception of Mike & John, I haven't felt safe talking to any of you.

I am so glad that I am working on not feeling that way.  It is a beginning.

William James said, "A human being can change his life by changing his attitude of mind."  That's me.

Would like to talk about it?

Much love - Mom, Mum, Mother

Amazing letter.  Honest, open, looking forward to making progress.  Alas, it was not received that way by Mike & especially Kerry, who was greatly affronted to not be included with those with whom Mom felt safe.  As she said to Mom in an e-mail - 

"I never thought anywhere in my whole life that I'd made anyone feel unsafe.  I know that I've made people mad at me, sad, miserable, really angry, upset & hostile, but no one has ever said before that I have made them feel UNSAFE.  You probably know, Kay, that hospitality is one of my core values that I have cherished since childhood.  To have you, Kay, my mother-in-law, tell me I have made you feel unsafe in my company was a mind-crippling blow.  A complete & utter blow.  I realize how unintentionally any one of us can cause hurt to others, but for you to throw at me that I make you feel unsafe without anything further to add.  That sucked! Your personal growth and development Kay is coming at the expense of others.  In my opinion, that sucks, too!"

Again - amazing, but in a different way.  Kerry's note opened Mom's eyes to a communications chasm she'd never realized before separated herself & her beloved daughter-in-law.  She re-read the note several times, astonished it didn't dawn on Kerry that "mad, sad, miserable, really angry, upset & hostile" define unsafe.

But there was more.  Mike wrote a letter lambasting Mom for her note:

Dear Mother - 

I don't know what has been going on in your mind, but you have a lot of things very wrong.

I want to say that whoever you are talking to or having counsel with is driving a LARGE wedge between the family & you.  As you approach your 89 birthday, we should be getting closer, not farther apart.  We should be helping all the members of the family get closer to you & to each other.  But it seems that is not happening.  Kerry was very upset with your short note saying that you could only trust John & me in what we say, or being safe.  I can't think of a statement that could be farther from the truth when it comes to Kerry..  She has only had your goodwill at heart as have I.  But she wll also say what she thinks because she has  right to.  You are losing Kerry very fast & rethink about people's right to voice their feelings should be looked at very carefully.  (in much smaller letters, apparently added after the rest of the letter was written, Mike has "You have your feelings, too - I do know this.)

No one can make you do or feel what you do, Mother, only you can.  Don't change that "attitude of mind" so much that no family is left to see the results.  Love - Mike

Where Kerry's letter made Mom realize how far apart they were in language, Mike's illuminated something I'd said for eons & she'd flat-out rejected.  Mike noted how her work on getting a better understanding of  her true self was not being well received by "the family."  He made that point very clear - she was risking her relationship with THE family.  Well, I for one was delighted with the work Mom was doing with Kevyn Malloy & through author/counselors like Nathaniel Branden, John Bradshaw, Marianne Williamson, Stephen Covey, Wayne Dwyer & many more.  By clearly NOT including me in his image of his family, Mike's letter helped Mom accept a harsh truth she'd rejected.  

Safety has definitely been an issue in my family reaching way back.  Just as I had the opportunity 28 years ago to attach a natural consequence to an action, this weekend presented an opportunity to acknowledge our safety issues  And I did, stating repeatedly that no one was to blame, it's just the way it is  Angelic trumpets sounded!

A mega barrier to writing my book on the 5th Commandment, a book that's a combination of musing & memoir.  After this past weekend, what came home to me is that, at its heart, That Your Days May Be Long will be an open honoring of the family that's in my head, heart & archives.  

To end this LONG posting on an UP note, here is the letter Mom wrote in response to Mike's:

Dear Michael:

Your letter was received.  Here are a few of my thoughts.

Don't let the fall out of a few heated moments (referring to a ruckus that happened in early summer 1997) taint your life.  Set aside the unintended hurt and the disagreement, and focus on the intentional love.  I find comfort that no one intended to be hurtful.

I have a psychologist counselor,a financial counselor, and spiritual counselors.  John is an influence, Elsa is an influence, and Peter is an influence, along with "Taking Responsibility: Self-Reliance and the Accountable Life" by Nathaniel Branden, Stephen Covey, John Bradshaw and other authors.  I enclose a list of Branden quotations.

The key issue in this quest for self is me, not Elsa, not Kerry.

It is important to ask"Why" rather than lash out if people say or do disturbing things.  Asking "Why" acknowledges the possibility of  different point of view.  It does not mean agreeing with the response. 

A reply is not necessarily a response.  

Intentional silence is not a neutral response.

Stripped down to basics, life is about loving people for who they are, and not who we want them to be.

Love to all...  Love - Mom

ps - My shoulder is punishing me for (hand)writing this, but it is a necessity.