Shaken Days

Shaken Days was a favorite book of mine, one I haven't thought of in many decades.  It came to mind this past weekend, after it felt like the earth opened up & swallowed me whole.  I tried to figure out what adjective described my feelings - not angry or shocked or distressed.  Shaken, I was shaken.

Shaken is the pitch-perfect word to describe my feelings because it is blessedly neutral.  I realize that Mike & Kerry easily could have thought, "What a glorious way to surprise Mike's kid sister!"  

Except that I am someone who doesn't like surprise wedding showers, much less being surprised by the sudden appearance of people I thought were on the other side of the world.  

The fact is that while I recognized the back of Mike's neck before he turned around, I am not at all sure I would have recognized his face, even if Kerry was right next to him, because they were literally two of the last people I expected to see there.

And that doesn't begin to take into account that they about the most unsafe people in the world for me & I am the same for them, at least from last accounting.

What stuns & amazes me is all the good that came out of the weekend's shocker.  I was able to do the right thing - for me - and decline their invitation to breakfast yesterday.  For where I am now, it would have felt...  off-kilter.  Whackadoodle.

Interesting thing about continuing my re-reading of David Richo's Coming Home to Who You Are - this morning, I was reading the short chapter on Healthy Anger.  What I felt over the weekend wasn't anger, but it was some spaced-out energy that declined the invitation to go negative.  When I told Mike we were declining the breakfast invitation & why, I told him right up front that we appreciated that they meant the best but that it just didn't go down well, being the sort of folks we are.  Did he hear it?  I hope so, but when your challenge is diametrically different communications styles...  Well, just say we did our best.  And meant what we said from our conjoined hearts.

Reading David Richo this afternoon, I practically danced into John's art studio.  "THIS is what I did!" - what we did from our hearts

>  As soon as it happened, I acknowledged to my self that I was emotionally thrown, vented to a friend in order to gain emotional space, and asked John to get me out of there.  I felt my feelings instead of being engulfed in them. And it just rolled out, not thought out, just instinct or well-connected loving.

>  My roiled energies were shared in a caring, respectful - drum roll - honoring manner.  I can't fret abot how they were received, only what I intended.

>  Which leads me to being okay with how Mike & Kerry received our turning down their invitation, my weird behavior at the farm market.  They have every right to feel in whatever ways they fell.  I HOPE they are as honoring of our feelings as I strive to be of theirs.


I am okay with my shaken days, because, like that fabulous City by the Bay, I recovered, rebuilt, rose up greater than before, with my self-respect & personal honoring intact - and - my boundaries with Mike & Kerry more clearly defined with me & hopefully with them!  

Shaken AND stirred!

I have my beginning, my muse, my reason for writng

That Your Days May Be Long is all about what matters above all - relationship.  

Relationship with the Divine, by whatever Name you ascribe, begins & ends in relationship with others, with our self.  And that begins with respect, with honoring, outside of love affection friendship.  Respecting people as they are, not as we want them to be or suspect they might.  Seeing what presents itself in front of us, always knowing it is never the whole, often not even a teensy fraction.  Always knowing we can be thrilled or horrified by actions, but can never judge the intentions behind them.

The relationships I "know" best are within my family, so my book will be a long look at them, relationships that transcend the individuals to take in an unintelligible quality that I might - might - learn of in some future afterlife, for it is beyond our understanding.   .

Being whole within our self, with others, with the Divine starts with the ground on which we stand, with the home in which we were raised, wherever it might be.  

Ever since teaching high school biology & health, I've said that family is our very own petri dish, our first laboratory for understanding the reality around & within us.  But it is so much more than I imagined.  When we can honor & respect our parents as human, full of strength & frailty, with their own unknown stories, we can do the same to our siblings, to others around us, as close as next door or as distant as world capitals.  Even with our self.  

It is beyond my ken that what freed my heart to writing what has beckoned was a crucial family moment that, instead of spelling disaster, cracked open my universe.  It took family, respecting it where it is, as it is, to butt kick me into action.

And so, it begins. With love, respect & honoring.

.

Checking the safety

WARNING:  This is going out without being proof read or even spell-checked.  \

Been writing since 7:00 a.m. & am ready for breakfast!

For 28+ years, I've claimed that God realized an error had been made when John & I first set eyes on each other on 11/11/88.  It was too soon for us to connect - there was something that I had to do before I could be whole enough to fall in love with my Keet.  So, we were pulled way back from each other & didn't tag up again until Feb 3, 1989.

For as far back as I can recall - for certain sure as far back as 4th Grade - it always bothered me that consequences never followed actions in our family, at least not with Mom.  (I can recall two occasions with Dad where my actions elicited very definite & reasonable consequences.)  No matter what one of the kids did or didn't do, it was never followed by a corresponding consequences.

In December 1988, I was aware of having met someone who seemed special, but I didn't know his name or anything about him except he rode to hounds, so I thought he hung around with the horse & hound set, veddy posh.  (Strangely enough, HE that that I was from Bryn Mawr & had much the same, "not my crowd" response.)  Little did either of us KNOW.

In early December '88, a startling opportunity came up to attach a natural consequence to someone's action.  A well-meant action revealed a unknown, unexpected issue.  I had the choice of recognizing it & acting OR ignoring it & letting things glide as they were.  I chose to deal with it openly, welcoming input.  There was a natural consequence that was reasonable, balanced & honored everyone's stated reality.  Although not welcome by the other person, for whom it caused some unexpected inconvenience, it turned out to be a major life event for me - for the first in forever, I'd stood on my own two feet, recognized something she held to be true had unintended consequences & stuck to my guns.  Two months later, when John & I once again crossed paths, I was ready.

Two days ago, my brother totally rattled me by showing up at Bryn Athyn Bounty Farm Market - John & I had no idea they were even in BA.  

Although Mike & Kerry might have thought I'd be over-the-moon with joy at bumping into them at Bounty on Saturday, three days after they arrived in BA, the opposite was true. Thank heavens, I had a moment to observe, before Mike turned around & I saw who it was, "That looks like the back of Mike's head."   

Mike seemed happy to have surprised us but didn't have any special response to ME - could have been Pete Boericke or Ned Rogers, both friends & classmates. 

It was the first time we've seen each other in five years, the first time since Mim died & there was NO physical contact between either of us.  No hug, no kiss.  

That's just weird.  

I guess my distress showed, since Erik Sandstrom assured us, "You were on their radar, tagged for a visit,"- -  he totally did not get the point that they had kept themselves totally off ours.  

Hul-lo ~ they'd been in town since Wednesday, showed up at Bounty expecting to see us, leaving connecting to chance?  

What would they have done if we hadn't?  Called up & said, "Hi!  Can we get together on Monday for breakfast before we head home later in the week?"  

Maybe they thought that would be a super cool surprise - it would not have been.  

Kerry is my least safe person on the planet, with Mike a distant second.  To have them pop up in one of my special places, with people around waiting for the big moment when we first spotted them  - did not go well.  

How could I not say yes to the invitation to breakfast today, with people looking on.  Did Mike notice that I was hyperventilating, was quaking?  Vented to a vendor friend & beat a swift retreat, before even getting the veggies we'd come for;  John whisk me down to Be Well for a big bear hug from a loving faux nephew.  

I absolutely get that Mike & Kerry could have thought it would be a swell moment of all of us.  Am sure they meant well, but it went hideously wrong.  

Realized within the hour there was no way I'd do breakfast with them today, sent the following to Kerry, left a vm at Sandstrom's for her to check FB:

John & I thank you & Mike for the invitation to breakfast tomorrow, Monday Sept 25. On further reflection, we are declining. I have learned to avoid situations where either I don't feel emotionally safe or suspect that I might make another person feel unsafe. I admire you greatly but I am not at ease with you. We wish you both well & hope that you do the same with us, but past history shows that you & I do not do well together. Have a wonderful remainder of your stay & save journey home.

Seems Kerry never read that.  Instead, Mike called to say they'd meet us at Daddypop's instead of picking us up.  That gave me the opportunity to personally decline, citing the lack of safety all around - and noting how weird it felt that they were in town three days before we saw them.

It is no secret that I am not their cup of tea.  Small wonder.  Our communication styles are radically different.  Now that we are in our 60s & 70s, we should be able to respect the relationship we have, rather than an airy fairy one based on being sibs.  Mike & I share the same genes, that's it.  

As I told Mike on the phone & wrote to Kerry, we wish them well, but do not do well with them. Think Altoids & Coca Cola.

Kerry had safety issues with going way back.  As she mentioned to Mom in 1973:

"There are few people in Bryn Athyn we didn't enjoy.  Mr. -------'s ears should be the only ones ringing as I type this.  Honesty makes me add Elsa (me-Deev) also, as she has been so rude to me at times I could hardly bear being in the same room with her.  By the way, Mum & Dad, I leave it entirely up to you to mention what I just said to Elsa or not.  I must admit I never said anything to her personally.  At times, I thought perhaps it was a disservice that we ever did, but I hoped she would grow up in time.  She can't hurt me here."

~  Strange but true - when I'd ask Mom over the years, as I did right up to the end, "WHY do my sibs dislike me so much?" Mom ALWAYS tsk-tsked me with, "Don't be silly - they love you."  She KNEW.  All Mom had to say was, "Darned if I know," rather than putting me in the wrong when she she knew first-hand my reading was spot-on correct!   ~

Twenty-six years later, Mom sent a note to all of us, including Kerry & John.  As part of her personal work getting a better bead on WHO she was rather than reflecting back what we wanted from her, she shared that she was working to improve her trust issues with us:

Dear Peter, Mike & Kerry, Mim, Elsa & John -

I realize that I have always agreed with each of my children because I have been afraid not to agree with them, you.

With the exception of Mike & John, I haven't felt safe talking to any of you.

I am so glad that I am working on not feeling that way.  It is a beginning.

William James said, "A human being can change his life by changing his attitude of mind."  That's me.

Would like to talk about it?

Much love - Mom, Mum, Mother

Amazing letter.  Honest, open, looking forward to making progress.  Alas, it was not received that way by Mike & especially Kerry, who was greatly affronted to not be included with those with whom Mom felt safe.  As she said to Mom in an e-mail - 

"I never thought anywhere in my whole life that I'd made anyone feel unsafe.  I know that I've made people mad at me, sad, miserable, really angry, upset & hostile, but no one has ever said before that I have made them feel UNSAFE.  You probably know, Kay, that hospitality is one of my core values that I have cherished since childhood.  To have you, Kay, my mother-in-law, tell me I have made you feel unsafe in my company was a mind-crippling blow.  A complete & utter blow.  I realize how unintentionally any one of us can cause hurt to others, but for you to throw at me that I make you feel unsafe without anything further to add.  That sucked! Your personal growth and development Kay is coming at the expense of others.  In my opinion, that sucks, too!"

Again - amazing, but in a different way.  Kerry's note opened Mom's eyes to a communications chasm she'd never realized before separated herself & her beloved daughter-in-law.  She re-read the note several times, astonished it didn't dawn on Kerry that "mad, sad, miserable, really angry, upset & hostile" define unsafe.

But there was more.  Mike wrote a letter lambasting Mom for her note:

Dear Mother - 

I don't know what has been going on in your mind, but you have a lot of things very wrong.

I want to say that whoever you are talking to or having counsel with is driving a LARGE wedge between the family & you.  As you approach your 89 birthday, we should be getting closer, not farther apart.  We should be helping all the members of the family get closer to you & to each other.  But it seems that is not happening.  Kerry was very upset with your short note saying that you could only trust John & me in what we say, or being safe.  I can't think of a statement that could be farther from the truth when it comes to Kerry..  She has only had your goodwill at heart as have I.  But she wll also say what she thinks because she has  right to.  You are losing Kerry very fast & rethink about people's right to voice their feelings should be looked at very carefully.  (in much smaller letters, apparently added after the rest of the letter was written, Mike has "You have your feelings, too - I do know this.)

No one can make you do or feel what you do, Mother, only you can.  Don't change that "attitude of mind" so much that no family is left to see the results.  Love - Mike

Where Kerry's letter made Mom realize how far apart they were in language, Mike's illuminated something I'd said for eons & she'd flat-out rejected.  Mike noted how her work on getting a better understanding of  her true self was not being well received by "the family."  He made that point very clear - she was risking her relationship with THE family.  Well, I for one was delighted with the work Mom was doing with Kevyn Malloy & through author/counselors like Nathaniel Branden, John Bradshaw, Marianne Williamson, Stephen Covey, Wayne Dwyer & many more.  By clearly NOT including me in his image of his family, Mike's letter helped Mom accept a harsh truth she'd rejected.  

Safety has definitely been an issue in my family reaching way back.  Just as I had the opportunity 28 years ago to attach a natural consequence to an action, this weekend presented an opportunity to acknowledge our safety issues  And I did, stating repeatedly that no one was to blame, it's just the way it is  Angelic trumpets sounded!

A mega barrier to writing my book on the 5th Commandment, a book that's a combination of musing & memoir.  After this past weekend, what came home to me is that, at its heart, That Your Days May Be Long will be an open honoring of the family that's in my head, heart & archives.  

To end this LONG posting on an UP note, here is the letter Mom wrote in response to Mike's:

Dear Michael:

Your letter was received.  Here are a few of my thoughts.

Don't let the fall out of a few heated moments (referring to a ruckus that happened in early summer 1997) taint your life.  Set aside the unintended hurt and the disagreement, and focus on the intentional love.  I find comfort that no one intended to be hurtful.

I have a psychologist counselor,a financial counselor, and spiritual counselors.  John is an influence, Elsa is an influence, and Peter is an influence, along with "Taking Responsibility: Self-Reliance and the Accountable Life" by Nathaniel Branden, Stephen Covey, John Bradshaw and other authors.  I enclose a list of Branden quotations.

The key issue in this quest for self is me, not Elsa, not Kerry.

It is important to ask"Why" rather than lash out if people say or do disturbing things.  Asking "Why" acknowledges the possibility of  different point of view.  It does not mean agreeing with the response. 

A reply is not necessarily a response.  

Intentional silence is not a neutral response.

Stripped down to basics, life is about loving people for who they are, and not who we want them to be.

Love to all...  Love - Mom

ps - My shoulder is punishing me for (hand)writing this, but it is a necessity.

New frontiers

Who would have guessed that an invasion of my dearest boundaries would end up directing me to new frontiers?  Another astonishing turn in an already fantastical month.

Mike & Kerry showing up at Bounty would have shaken me, but to learn that they'd been here since Wednesday, that they went to Bounty hoping to see me there, rather than meeting me there by mutual design?  That showed how completely unaware they are of the boundaries they've already trespassed, long before yesterday's transgression.

Yet what a remarkable lesson in family dynamics they handed to me, which matters far more than them acted in simply what's accordance with their usual way.  They showed up, hoping to cross paths, where I would have met there, as previously arranged.  It is Mim setting up my making an offer to do something, so she can fall back & say, "I never asked."  It is Mom agreeing to talk to Mim about issues that affected all three of us, which she refused to discuss with me, yet coming home from a weekend in NJ having never broached it because "Mim never brought it up."  It is Peter & Mom going to see Mark Carlson supposedly to talk about their current relationship - rather than how Peter felt about her in the past - only to divert the discussion to me, neither of them having to look at things they'd rather ignore.  It is Kerry saying that Lockharts never bring up sensitive things when they are current issues, only to acknowledge that while that was what she said, in the case I was bringing up, she wished I'd stayed silent.  Mike telling Mom that no one wants to hear her stories, that she should stop writing her Mindwalker1910 posts & keep them within the family even none of the senior family wanted to hear her.  It is me asking Mike & Kerry if they'd arrange a regular day/time to call Mom every month, something she could look forward to, having Kerry brush the suggestions aside saying, "Mum can speak for herself," knowing full well that Mom had NEVER been able to speak for herself.


Where I am direct & need clarity, they are masters of obfuscation, of leaving to chance, of saying one thing & doing the opposite.  Mike & Kerry have never seen me, so how could they see my boundaries?

I can't leave things to chance, have to dig down into my nature & actively, attentively brush away the nurture that surrounded me.  Mike & Kerry gave that to me.  I am not Mom. I can know that I am a bad mix with them, that they have said things that need addressing that they will never acknowledge.
I know that & embrace them in my heart as who they are.
And I keep my distance.

They violated my boundaries because they could not see them, but in doing so pointed me toward new frontiers.

Purposeful v. Processful

Listening to Toni Townes-Whitley talk about the ethics of innovation triggered a deep personal thought.  She mentioned the importance of being purposeful.  I am rejiggering The Retreat, which doubles as the Computer Studio, to showcase books that have spoken to me in rich, resonate voices over the decades.

The tip off that I am living a purposeful life is if  I use the space productively, taking steps each day toward my identified core goals for next six weeks:

• Create a clear image of Cyber Access for the Technically Timid in both head & heart;
• Build it around a strong infrastructure;
• Understand the stake holders;
• Understand how CATT serves them;
• Structure my daily weekly monthly energy blocks. 

Growing up, for a variety of unconnected yet weirdly meshed reasons, it was process that mattered, not product.  That could be the reason I respond so strongly to the word synthesize - it's end is a completed whole.

Emblazon it across my heart - -  process only has value when it supports a purpose;  purpose only has value when it is fulfilled.  

Pulling rabbits out of hats

There is no getting around the fact the Universe has given me a task to get DONE & will not take less than my best efforts -and- a well-executed end product.  I knew something like this was in the wind sixteen years ago, almost to the day.  Didn't know what was in store, but knew it was meant to be.

To get to where I need to be, will have to master pulling rabbits out of hats.  I have NO business skills, no way to take Cyber Access for the Technically Timid & turn into a viable, REAL entity.  My instinct is to say, "Not in my tool kit."  Instead of moving onto someone I'd consider way more suitable, the Universe handed me a hat & said, "Start pulling."

My background has been compiling together things - books, magazines, business cards, contacts, ideas & inspiration - then letting them gather dust.  DO something with them?  Well, duh - why else would I have gathered them in the first place?  For this moment.  Start pulling.

Very early this a.m., got to thinking about last night's post on feeling Moses-ish & deciding to root my identity in Joshua, to whom it was given to see AND enter the Promised Land.  Thought about how my past selves had not supported making use of the materials I had at hand.

With a whoosh, they were in my face - "Are you kidding?  Are you KIDDING?  We were chomping at the bit to get a move on.  Do you have ANY idea the frustration of seeing work that needs to be done & having the Universe say, like Dan Ackroyd in Trading Places, 'Not yet.'  It took until late summer 2017, but it finally said,  'Now.' "

Time to find a hat, limber up my hand & start pulling out those rabbits, because the Universe is not going to be satisfied until it's satisfied.

shock, amazement & - I admit it - a twinge of fear.

That's how I feel on 09/21/17, thinking about Cyber Access for the Technically Timid (CATT).  Heavy on the twinge of fear.

Little did I know that in building out what I did with Mom into something others could use, that I was opening up something that takes my breath away with how its taken on a life of its own.  I didn't give much thought to the details implications ramifications of developing an easily replicated template that people with writing & personal connection skills can help oldsters elders ancients access the internet without touching the keyboard.

"Spinning socializing into social networking" was a fun catch-phrase, nothing more.  Until I talked to Tom Kamber, who said to reconnect when I have something substantial to share.

Something substantial to share.  With those few words, the image I had of CATT was wiped clean & one of ITS creating took over.  It didn't push the other aside - it vaporized it.

In case I had any doubts about what happened, tonight I learned about Pete Mangan, the social entrepreneur who started The Freebird Club to provide mature adults with a new way to travel.  Pete's business plan is as much about reducing loneliness & isolation as it is about creating income.  Through the homestay experience offered by The Freebird Club, with its "peer-to-peer" membership, mature adults can travel solo & still know there will be someone to whom they can recount the day's adventures or join them in outings - no need to be alone, even if you're traveling that way.  And homeowners & apartment dwellers can turn their biggest asset into an income stream.

Pete Mangan found a way to put PLAY back in everyone's travel plans.  Because that's what having a pint at the "local" WITH a local is.  It describes going to the community event that your host knows that's missed by even the savviest tour guide.  It's having an evening sip & nibble, talking about this & that.  When he talks about combating loneliness & isolation by providing opportunities for connection, he's talking about creating opportunities for play of the very best sort, for both traveler & host.

Tom & Pete showed up in my life over two consecutive Thursdays to deliver the Universe's message that CATT isn't a little thing.  That it is beyond consequential.  It will be life-shifting for those who use it, whether as seeker or transcribing guide.  It has taken on a life of its own & there WILL be consequences if I do not mid-wife it into reality.  It DEMANDS it be DONE - and done well.

I've said this before & am saying it again with even greater force & WAY deeper belief - to get done the work that I was put in this life to do means become the truest version of myself, the ME that needs to be excavated dredged REVEALED in order to do the work before me that is not accepting any excuses for being diminished even slightly.  Again - there WILL be consequences if I don't go flat out on this.

My challenge, the reason for my twinge of fear, is that I haven't a clue what that looks or feels like. And the Universe frankly doesn't care.  It knows what needs to be done, knows the best person to do it, is not going to back down.

I look at Tom Kamber's background & can see how he could pull together something as splendid as OATS & Senior Planet.  I look at Pete Mangan's background & can see how he created The Freebird Club.  I look at mine & think, "What was the Universe thinking!?"

 I feel like Moses asking GOD, "Why did you pick ME?  I have no special gifts to make the epic task you lay upon me a success."  And the Universe is just as unbending with me as God was with Moses.
But Moses said to the Lord, By my life milord
I am not a talker
Nor have I ever been,
Not even since you spoke to your servant.
Rather I have a ponderous mouth
And ponderous language personally.
But the Lord said to him, Who gave a man a mouth
Or who made him mute or deaf or sighted or blind
If not Myself, the Lord?
And now go and I Myself will be your mouth
And direct you in what you shall say.
Exodus 1

My blessing is knowing that I've always, even in my most fretful, unbelieving hour, believed in my heart Joshua's words:
And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. 
But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”

I've held Joshua's words in my heart & do accept the Universe's call to ME to make so what beckons to be done.  And I have no doubt that I will not only see the promised land of an actualized CATT, it will be my joy to enter that land & see the differences my little idea can make when rolled out in a big way.

How?  I have no idea. 
Do I feel shock, amazement, a heavy twinge of fear?  Yes.
Will I?  When the Universe - or God - taps you on the shoulder, the only response is YES ~ followed by THANKS.  

DAVID RICHO

QUOTES

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.”

“We do not create our destiny; we participate in its unfolding. Synchronicity works as a catalyst toward the working out of that destiny.” 

“The foundation of adult trust is not "You will never hurt me." It is "I trust myself with whatever you do.” 

"When we feel unsafe with someone and still stay with him, we damage our ability to discern trustworthiness in those we will meet in the future.” 

“In the hero stories, the call to go on a journey takes the form of a loss, an error, a wound, an unexplainable longing, or a sense of a mission. When any of these happens to us, we are being summoned to make a transition. It will always mean leaving something behind,...The paradox here is that loss is a path to gain.” 

" A healthy person is not perfect but perfectible, not a done deal but a work in progress. "

"Our higher needs include making full use of our gifts, finding and fulfilling our calling, being loved and cherished just for ourselves, and being in relationships that honor all of these. Such needs are fulfilled in an atmosphere of the five A’s by which love is shown: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing.”

"The opposite of interpersonal trust is not mistrust. It is despair. This is because we have given up on believing that trustworthiness and fulfillment are possible from others. We have lost our hope in our fellow humans.” 

“We were born with four words engraved on our bodies and in our hearts: Love me, hold me.” 

"We can actually reconstruct our past by examining what we think, say, feel, expect, believe, and do in an intimate relationship now.” 


"At every stage of life, our inner self requires the nurturance of loving people attuned to our feelings and responsive to our needs who can foster our inner resources of personal power, lovability, and serenity. Those who love us understand us and are available to us with an attention, appreciation, acceptance, and affection we can feel. They make room for us to be who we are.” 

"The challenge is to find our destiny in exactly what we are refusing to engage in.” 


"We don’t fear physical closeness because we fear proximity itself. Most of us earnestly want physical contact with those who love us. Rather we fear what we will feel when we get too close. The real fear, then, is of ourselves. This fear is not something to rebuke ourselves for. It is our deepest vulnerability, the very quality that makes us most lovable.” 

“once we understand that what happens beyond our control may be just what we need, we see thatacceptance of reality can be our way of participating in our own evolution.” 


“The way we were first loved and the ways we have been loved ever since form our definition of what love means to us. 
Some people really feel loved when someone gives them a gift. Others experience it when people stand up for them. Still others feel loved when someone goes the extra mile to help them. 
If our mother showed love by holding us in our pain or joy, without engulfing or controlling us, that will be the behavior that always feels like love to us. 
We feel love now as we first received it; we give love the way others gave it to us. Thus, since love is unique to each person, we read and write love, receive and give it, in the style designed by our past experience.” 

"Bread takes the effort of kneading but also requires sitting quietly while the dough rises with a power all its own.” 


There are five unavoidable givens, five immutable facts that come to visit all of us many times over: Everything changes and ends. 
Things do not always go according to plan. 
Life is not always fair. 
Pain is part of life. '
People are not loving and loyal all the time.

These are the core challenges that we all face. But too often we live in denial of these facts. We behave as if somehow these givens aren’t always in effect, or not applicable to all of us. But when we oppose these five basic truths we resist reality, and life then becomes an endless series of disappointments, frustrations, and sorrows.  

In which Gene & Greg just say NO

As I reread Todd Henry's DIE EMPTY,  am reminded over & over of two very different fictional characters who ended up on two very similar paths.

The character of Tommy Albright debuted on the NY stage in 1947, in BRIGADOON, played by an actor unfamiliar to me.  I am thoroughly versed in the role as portrayed by Gene Kelly in the 1954 movie.  A Manhattan business exec, Tommy is anchored to the rat race, brilliantly defined in one of the final scenes of the film - all frenetic, unsatisfying energies.  Dragging his feet to finally marry his socialite fiancee, Tommy hied himself off to Scotland with his good friend, Jeff, for some grouse shooting.  While there, he falls in love - the real deal - with a highland lassie, under circumstances that ultimately lead him to turn his back on what beckons, the promise of true love crumpled under the press of common sense.  He immediately regrets his choice, but there is no going back.

In THE MAN IN THE GRAY FLANNEL SUIT, Tom Rath (Gregory Peck) is a WWII vet who, ten years after returning from war, is experiencing nightmares about battle & a young Italian woman with whom he had an affair. The film opens with him working for a nonprofit but having problems making ends meet maintaining his striving for the American Dream upper middle class lifestyle.  He lands a job in network television PR & quickly finds himself being asked to compromise what is right for what is expedient.  On the personal side, his long-ago love affair becomes a delicate issue, one he is torn about how to share with his wife.

What's interesting is that both films were made in the mid-1950s, when landing the big job & corner office was the pinnacle of many a dream, yet both films show the climb up the corporate ladder as dehumanizing, requiring people to make sacrifices in the name of advancement that sabotage genuine happiness.  Will Tommy Albright be able to come to terms with all he's sacrificed in the name of the reasoned & rational?  Will Tom Rath be able to hold onto principles ~and~ his position?

Both men face whether they want to die emptied of what truly matters or to die empty, used up by love honor purpose.  Will Tommy become like hard-drinking Jeff, using alcohol in vain efforts to drown out the voices that remind him of what he gave up?  Will Tom put money above his family & familial obligations?

(Hint - check the subject line,  Or watch the movies!)

THE GIFTS OF INPERFECTION - notes

2010 Brene Brown's 4th book (Women & Shame/2004;  I Thought It Was Just Me but it isn't/2007;  Connections - a 12-session psycho-educational shame resilience curriculum/2009).

Rest & play are easy to get short shift, but regular, significant amounts are as crucial to our good physical & emotional health as nutrition & exercise, fresh air & sunshine.  x

Loving ourselves is even more essential to wholehearted living as knowing & understanding ourselves.    xi   I created others who loved me & radiated back my visibility in their world - fantasy playing an essential use of holding place until reality caught up.

"People may call what happens in midlife a 'crisis,' but it is not.  It's an unraveling (a reveal of what is rather than a hankering for & holding onto what was) - - a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you (are ready to step into, that's a reflection & deepening of your Now rather than your yesterdays.  And your yesterdays might have been GREAT, they can take a bow for bringing you to this opportunity to enrich what you do or strike out in new directions.  But being in the Now as our Wholehearted self requires we do something super tough - let go of outdated attachment to all that came before. In general, humans will cling to an ill-fitting famliar than lean into something of-the-moment that truly suits.) 
The Universe is not short on wake-up calls.  We're just quick to hit snooze. ~ As it turned out, the work I had to do was messy & deep.  I slogged through it until one day, exhausted & with mud still wet and dripping off my traveling shoes.
I was healthier, more joyful, and more grateful than I had ever felt.  I felt calmer & more grounded & significantly less anxious.  I had rekindled my creative life, reconnected with family & friends in a new way, and - most important - felt truly comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life."  xiii 

 02/21/16 - - a BIG aha day

Hey, Kerry - I wasn't rude, I was brave.

COURAGE   COMPASSION   CONNECTION  
LOVE    BELONGING   WORTHINESS

How do we define happiness & why do we spend so much time hustling for it rather than believing in it?

Play is an essential component of Wholehearted BEing.  (she is another mega fan of Stuart Brown)

Definitions spark controversy & disagreement, but I'm okay with that.  I'd rather we debate the meaning of words that are important to us than to not discuss them at all.  WE  NEED  COMMON  LANGUAGE  TO   HELP  US  TO   CREATE  AWARENESS  &  UNDERSTANDING, WHICH  IS   ESSENTIAL TO WHOLEHEARTED LIVING.  

When  I find myself dog tired & bone weary, emotionally exhausted & mentally spent, remember to slow down, step back & DIG:
Deliberate in my thoughts through prayer, meditation, or simply setting my intentions.
Inspired to make new and different choices
Get going - take action
Prayerfully, playfully & thoughtfully do something RESTORATIVE

Brene did not chose her area of study - it chose her.  Same thing happened to John & me - the work chose us.  

Compassion is something we all want, but are we willing to look at why boundary setting, saying NO is an essential component of compassion?

Belonging is an essential component of Wholehearted living, but we must first face perhaps our most daunting challenge - - cultivating self-acceptance.  Why is this so hard?

Before I start writing, I ask myself, "Why is this book worth writing?  What is the contribution that I am hoping to make?"

Coming at this work with a full idea of how the shame tapes & gremlins work to keep us feeling afraid & small allows me to do more than present great ideas;  this perspective helps me share real strategies for changing our lives.  If we want to know why we're all so afraid to let our true selves be seen & known, we have to understand the power of shame & fear.  To move forward, we must standup to their never good enough & who do you think you are?

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.  Embracing our vulnerabiities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love belonging trust - the experiences that make us the must vulnerable.  Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite powefr of our light." 

This is at the very core of the command to honor our father & our mother.  We cannot see them as human, rather than villains or even heroes, without getting a glimmer that the same is true about siblings friends others - including the one harder to accept as human.  Our self.  

You learn to swim by swimming;  you learn to courage by couraging.  (Mary Daly)  

Shame love secrecy.  When we bury our story, it metastasizes. 

In sharing my shame moments, my ideal listener is someone who won't "get thrown into the storm," who won't excuse but also won't snap with judgement & blame, won't try to fix me or buck me.  Just be present, maybe share some of her own vulnerabilities.  I (elm) need to feel exposed & loved & embraced.  I need courage compassion connection (three things gremlins DETEST).  John gets that, so does Karen C & Janina,   

COURAGE It was John who first noted - before we married - that it was safe to speak honestly & openly with the other about who we are, about our feelings & experiences, We felt the "ordinary courage' to put ourselves on the line with the other (and, in doing so, with ourself).  Per Brene, that's pretty extraordinary in today's world.  

Mom was her bravest when she stood up for her self - her actual SELF - rather than continue trying to be what others wanted.  She had nothing to gain - I was past caring what she did & the others liked her just as she was.  

A searing moment for me happened when I was old enough to have parties with alcohol.  A friend put the heavy glass stopper back on a decanter sloppily & cracked the glass.  I bristled.  Almost as soon as I did, wanted to take it back, knew it wasn't possible.  Now, when a similar moment arises, my intention is to go immediately to wondering aloud in my head, "How will I feel about this in two hours or tomorrow?" then respond.  

Did that today with John & a distressed field mouse on the driveway;  I called him out of bed, he carefully (with gloves & a separate surface) placed her under the bushes.  I'd pulled out of the drive, headed down the road, when I thought, "How will I feel about this tomorrow?  Will having place it in a relatively protected space be enough?" - stopped, opened the door & asked John if he wanted to take the wee critter up to AARK, which we did.  Turned out SHE wasn't injured - she was having a difficult time giving birth!  

When we share our own stories of imperfection & vulnerabiity, we are practicing courage.

Courage can have a ripple effect.  Every time we  choose courage. we make everyone around us a little better, the world a little braver.  And our world could stand to be a litter kinder & braver. p.15

Mom seeking counseling to gain a better view & understanding of herself modeled bravery to me, not to my sibs.  To them, her courage made them want to shut her down or out.  

COMPASSION
"Compassionate practice is daring.  It involves learningto relax & allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. "  Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare Us

Compassion means "to suffer with." Brene doesn't think compassion is a natural default for most of us - that would be to self-protect, which can be evidenced by blame or by dropping into fix-it mode.  

Compassio draws from the wholeness of our experience - our suffering - our empathy as well as our cruelty & terror.  Everything.  Compassion is a relationship between equals.  Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.   (PC, p. 16)  It's when we are there as a presence, not to alleviate or fix or advise.

Boundaries & Compassion
One of the greatest and least discussed barriers to compassion practice is the fear of setting boundaries & holding people accountable.  Understanding the connection between boundaries accountabliity acceptance compassion has made me a kinder person - less judgmental resentful angry on the inside.  Many of the truly committed compassion practitioners were also the most boundary-conscious people in the study  Brene was stunned to discover that compassion people are boundaried.  

THE  HEART  OF  COMMPASSION  IS  GENUINE  ACCEPTANCE.  It's tough to accept people when they hurt us or take advantage of us or do us harm.  If we really want to practice compassion, we have to first set boundaries & hold people - others & ourselves - accountable.  

We live in a blame (not a solution seeking) culture, which leads to a surge of self-righteousness & a precipitous decline in compassion.  WE  DON'T  HAVE  THE  ENERGY  TO  DEVELOP  MEANINGFUL  CONSEQUENCES  AND  ENFORCE  THEM.  It's way easier to shame & blame - or excuse - than to hold accountable.  

Seems to me that excusing could be added to shame & blame as a barrier to compassion.

When we don't follow through with APPROPRIATE consequences, people dismiss our requests.  Mom explained why she didn't ask Peter or Mim to do anything - "Why bother when I know they won't do it?"  She was right, they wouldn't BECAUSE they knew there would never be any consequence.  In a similar (?) vein, they knew they could be mean & horrid to her IF their final words cold be distantly interpreted as "I love you."  All they had to do was leave space where she could infer it, fill in afforded blanks.  

Peter & Mim knew how far Mom would go to avoid discomfort, yet Brene points out that we need to lean into the discomfort that comes with straddling compassion & boundaries.  Holding someone accountable is a sign of love, not dislike disrespect rejection.  

Mom felt overpowered by circumstances.  Her father was seriously ill from at least her mid teens & died when she was 19, a death she felt like she could have prevented - talk about unrealistic boundaries!  On his death, she was given responsibility for Gran's well-being.  Gran, a woman described by Peter as evil, made herself the center of Mom's universe.  Although she would have been horrified by the comparison, Mom wanted to be the center of mine & ways in many ways.  The difference is that I could survive it without being subsumed because I allowed myself to be frustrated upset angry at circumstances over which I felt no control;  another difference - I knew that one thing holding me back from walking away was my own belief system, the deeply rooted principle that someone had to be there for Mom & it couldn't be Peter or Mim (who lead subsistence lives) or (for reasons I didn't know until Mom's last weeks), Mike or Kerry.  Being there for Mom was not a default for me, but a conscious decision based on an unacceptable outcome of forcing her to move to Australia (my probably erroneous belief that her anger at me would make her friends, aka my community, hold me responsible for her heartbreak & separation from those she loved, the place she lived for most of her married life, where her Pete was buried - in reality, they very easily could have said, in chorus, "About time!")


It was a STRUGGLE for Mom to understand what Dad so easily got - that we can be compassionate & accepting at the same time we are holding people accountable for their behaviors.  When Dad told me that I could not go trick or treating due to the double-whammy of my dissing Mom, then saying I didn't care if it resulted in my being grounded on Hallowee, it never occurred to me to think he didn't care about me, that he was doing it from a meanness of spirit - - it was my assumption that I'd stepped way across a line & he was treating me like someone capable of much better.  Interesting that PRL did NOT experience it the same way, that he felt Dad acted monstrously.  

Brene hits the nail on the head - Dad addressed what I did, not who I was.  He believed that >I< was above such wretched behavior.  PRL still can't see that. Strange.   

Interesting that John & I didn't truly connect until AFTER the opportunity came up for me to attach a consequence to another's action, or to let a distressing situation slide, which would not only have left me feeling used & mistreated, it would have made more of the same acceptable.

We cannot practice compassion from a place of resentment.

elm - power of familiar & comfy but somehow harmful or not helpful vs. unfamiliar, disquieting, uncomfortable yet helpful healthy wholesome

CONNECTION
Aka the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, valued;  when they give & receive without judgment;  when they derive sustenance & strength from the relationship.  p.19

Connection begets connection.  Ashley told Brene, "I can't tell you how glad I am that you called me that day.  It helped me so much to know that I'm not the only one who does stuff like that.  I also love knowing that I can help you & that you trust me."  

Our biology is wire for connection.  We NEED connection to thrive emotionally, physically, spiritually & intellectually.  The connectedness we experience in our relationships impacts the way our brain develops & performs.  p. 20  Sheez - a lot of meat on those bones!

Our biology is wired for connection.  In my family, Mom & Dad were connected, heart soul mind, in a beautiful partnership, but, at least by the time I came along, the kids were not connected to each other or (in a healthy way) to Mom or Dad.  What was the source & outcome of them NOT connecting with me but me reaching out to connect with them?  Per Mom's account of Peter's explanation of what ultimately connected him to Mim, what brought them together was a mutual disllike of me. Am fascinated that, in the face of not finding connection within my family, I created a fantasy world where that connection could thrive.  I used fantasy to stay grounded until John came along.

We NEED connection to thrive emotionally, physically, spiritually & intellectually.  What does it say about the emotional physical spiritual intellectual stability that there was only disconnection within the family as a whole?  Mom & Dad had each other, but not, as far as I could tell, with their children in that they saw what they wanted.  Dad seemed to understand the boys & seemed to get me, but how he experienced Mim was always a mystery to me.  Neither Mom or Dad appeared to set any limits for PRL or Mim, never - to my knowledge - expected them to act like members of our family.  Beyond my ken.

Just because we're plugged in doesn't mean we feel seen heard value  Too many people confuse communication with community, connection.  Digital devices can be awesome tools to promote nurture deepen genuine connection, but that is way more today's exception than rule.  John is totally analogue;  I promote being low tech as a way of being more in touch with real people.  The internet is a wonderful way for Angela to see her grandfather in Australia, but it is no substitute for holding her in his arms after she tells him she's going to give him a new great-granddaughter.

Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.  when we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.  p. 20

"For years I placed value on being the helper in my family."  To this day, I only have visibility within my family when I am needed to help.  Valued?  Not going to happen, not under any circumstances.  They are not wired for it.  It is their issue, not mine.  John helped me figure out that I had value back when I asked why we always did what he wanted, not what I did, and he answered in his short, direct-to-the-point-way, "I know why.  I tell you what I want."  He was right - I didn't.  Because I didn't know what I wanted.  My decider had been what others wanted.  I didn't come into it.  Nor did anyone expect want wish me to make my wants a factor.  Consider the Christmas that Peter was utterly beastly to me, even though it was MIM who was baiting him - - and EVERYONE expected that I'd swallow it & drive him with his kids to the Daylesford Road house.  Took years, but John brought me around to seeing that first I had to know what I really wanted & then let it be known.

I will say in my defense that I did consistently ask for help & support, did not let the stream of no or ignoring put me off asking again.

The Wholehearted Journey is not the path of least resistance.  it is a path of consciousness & choice.  And, to be honest, it's a little counter-culture.  The willingness to tell our stories, to feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected to this disconnected world is not something we can do halfheartedly. To practice courage, compassion, connection is to look at life and the people around us & say, "I'm all in." 

My reality was that I had no experience of connection with Peter-Mim-Mom, iffy with Dad, who knows what with Mike, Ian was gone too soon to have any idea of what it may have been.  And Mom experienced being seen heard valued as an unfamiliar (ergo uncomfy) aberration.  


EXPLORING THE POWER OF BELONGING & BEING ENOUGH
Love & belonging are essential to the human experience.
The only thing that separated people who felt a deep sense of love & belonging and those who struggle for it is a belief in their worthiness.
If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worth of love & belonging.  That we are worth of them NOW.  As is.
We gain access to our worthiness when we let go of what others think and own our story.

Defining Love & Belonging
A constant until John was never having the sense of fitting in, of belonging that always seemed to me our natural state.  But I always had a sense of worthiness.  What I couldn't get from people, I whipped up out of my imagination.  And I understood the purpose of those fantasy friends admirers lovers - got an A for describing them, taking apart their purpose & putting it back together in a Psych 101 research paper.  I researched me, coolly & analytically.  Rex Jeff Napoleon Jarrod Percy Peter helped hold me in a safe place until a real friend came along.  
Let's never forget my Omega 2014 experience, transcending time to give the message "Stay whole" & I was loved.  

My family would not tolerate a conversation about the meaning of love.  I'd tell Mom "You treat love as a noun & I consider it a verb."  To her, it mattered to say it, she didn't see it as an action.

Loving was one of the things seriously messed up by Mom's bedrock misunderstanding of HOW we are supposed to act.  Mom absolutely believed that one of her faith's core doctrines was that intentions were more important than actions.  Believed that heart & soul. A fundamental reality that I only discovered over her closing five weeks.  It explained why she would be distressed with ME when I'd flip out over her saying, as she often did, "Why are you upset?  I'm only doing what Mim wants;  I agree with you."  That seemed lunatic - until I understood she'd totally bungled the teaching that an action is only genuine WHEN it is conjoined with its intention.  It was bad enough seeing her do things that not only went against my best interests & hers, but EVERYONE's.  It's possible she died not understanding that there is a world of difference between a want & a need.  

Peter wanted to belong to the Harold Pitcairn family;  he wanted to fit into the Phila social whirl but shut himself out because he wasn't himself.  Mike, if he'd wanted, could have cracked it in an evening.  

A big reason I didn't feel any grief at being single was knowing that loving & belonging leaves me coping with their attendant uncertainty.   Neither can be measured & both are interwined.  

We are biologically wired to love & belong.

Love
To cultivate love, we have no option but to allow our most powerless AND powerful selves to be seen & known.

From that deep spiritual connection of vulnerability & power grows trust, respect, kindness & affection.

WE  CAN  ONLY  LOVE  OTHERS  AS  MUCH  AS  WE  LOVE  OURSELVES.

The withholding of affection - driven by shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal - damages the very roots from which love grows.  Such grievous damage can survive such grievous injuries, but ONLY if the damage is identified ACKNOWLEDGED healed.  Love can survive such terrible assaults, but it is rare.

Belonging








































https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEvlK-JkQt4