Shaken Days

Shaken Days was a favorite book of mine, one I haven't thought of in many decades.  It came to mind this past weekend, after it felt like the earth opened up & swallowed me whole.  I tried to figure out what adjective described my feelings - not angry or shocked or distressed.  Shaken, I was shaken.

Shaken is the pitch-perfect word to describe my feelings because it is blessedly neutral.  I realize that Mike & Kerry easily could have thought, "What a glorious way to surprise Mike's kid sister!"  

Except that I am someone who doesn't like surprise wedding showers, much less being surprised by the sudden appearance of people I thought were on the other side of the world.  

The fact is that while I recognized the back of Mike's neck before he turned around, I am not at all sure I would have recognized his face, even if Kerry was right next to him, because they were literally two of the last people I expected to see there.

And that doesn't begin to take into account that they about the most unsafe people in the world for me & I am the same for them, at least from last accounting.

What stuns & amazes me is all the good that came out of the weekend's shocker.  I was able to do the right thing - for me - and decline their invitation to breakfast yesterday.  For where I am now, it would have felt...  off-kilter.  Whackadoodle.

Interesting thing about continuing my re-reading of David Richo's Coming Home to Who You Are - this morning, I was reading the short chapter on Healthy Anger.  What I felt over the weekend wasn't anger, but it was some spaced-out energy that declined the invitation to go negative.  When I told Mike we were declining the breakfast invitation & why, I told him right up front that we appreciated that they meant the best but that it just didn't go down well, being the sort of folks we are.  Did he hear it?  I hope so, but when your challenge is diametrically different communications styles...  Well, just say we did our best.  And meant what we said from our conjoined hearts.

Reading David Richo this afternoon, I practically danced into John's art studio.  "THIS is what I did!" - what we did from our hearts

>  As soon as it happened, I acknowledged to my self that I was emotionally thrown, vented to a friend in order to gain emotional space, and asked John to get me out of there.  I felt my feelings instead of being engulfed in them. And it just rolled out, not thought out, just instinct or well-connected loving.

>  My roiled energies were shared in a caring, respectful - drum roll - honoring manner.  I can't fret abot how they were received, only what I intended.

>  Which leads me to being okay with how Mike & Kerry received our turning down their invitation, my weird behavior at the farm market.  They have every right to feel in whatever ways they fell.  I HOPE they are as honoring of our feelings as I strive to be of theirs.


I am okay with my shaken days, because, like that fabulous City by the Bay, I recovered, rebuilt, rose up greater than before, with my self-respect & personal honoring intact - and - my boundaries with Mike & Kerry more clearly defined with me & hopefully with them!  

Shaken AND stirred!