Len Rose wrote the most amazing thing about John - that at his core, my Keet is all about marriage. Wow... Could feel the rightness of that observation, especially powerful from such a deeply aware spiritual leader. What a remarkable companion for my core, which is relationships. It came up because my beloved hasn't a clue what is meant by core, so can't tap in & figure out for himself the quality of his. I'd sensed it was love & kindness - Len is more spot on with marriage.
John, at his core, is marriage, is love & kindness. Except on those moments when he has no concept of marriage anywhere in his being, when love & kindness have vanished. Those moments when some deep, unknown therefore unrecognizable part of his being feels threatened & John goes into emotional lock-down, like the USS Enterprise (Kirk era), with impenetrable force fields up. I can do all the things he's said he wants me to do - point out "It's one of those times," attempt to lead him back to the moments before gremlins in his brain erased his memory base & rewrote events. Doesn't get through.
I've gotten to the place where I get irked & agitated rather than freaked out, interested by what's happening instead of emotionally gutted, launching into bad language instead of wanting to get into the car & drive into a tree going 45 miles an hour. And I get why I felt that way for so many years - it's because Len is right. John, at his core, is all about marriage. Always has been. Except when he's not, when it has no residence in his being, when I have no residence in his heart.
Can totally understand why someone with relationship at her core would come unhinged - his shredded core shreds mine & when the emotionally threatening moment has passed, his force fields are down, and he wants to know when WE are going to head into Philadelphia to research gallery space for the 05/15 A Creative Jam for Age Justice event, marriage restored to his core, not the slightest awareness that mine is still in tatters. Interesting...
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